Thursday, November 22, 2007

No pictures, just words..

Help me.. I'm STUCK!!

Mula2 mintak maaf banyak2 sebab sepi betul blog ni akhir2 ni.. bukan takde gambar utk diletakkan... but i dont have the desire to do so.. untuk transfer gambar from the camera pun memakan masa juga.. eventhough the cable and kamera ada di depan mata.. alangkah best nyer if i had a wonderful excuse to do so.. which is pregnant.. huhuhu tapi bukan.. saya bukan pregnant pun.. but hormon mcm berubah je..huhuhu..

I've been thinking about this lately..nope.. let me say sejak 2 3 bulan ni.. I just missed my old good times.. but it doesnt means i hate what i have right now.. maybe it just a woman hormone.. selalu ada ups and down.. but now i'm totally depressed..

I've been thinking of quit my job and do photography as fulltime.. I like photography more than what i do in the office.. i'm doing accounts after being an engineer for about 4 years.. i study Comp Eng.. (for those who doesnt know) so.. boleh tak kira berapa byk bidang yang saya sudah masuk sekarang? i always being confuse with myself until i find a new hobby which is photograph my own son! and now i take photography seriously with passion and soul. Saya tahu saya masih belum layak digelar professional.. malah satu apa kursus photography pun saya tidak pernah pergi.. jauh sekali memahami sudut2 teknikal bidang ni.. but i believe minat yang mendalam and talent yang saya ada telah mengatasi semua itu.. Apa yang saya buat sekarang adalah lahir dari hati.. tetapi saya tau.. saya perlu lebih byk knowledge dlm bidang ini kalau tidak saya akan ketinggalan..

The thing is, how do i quit my job? I dont have enough confidence to do so.. But i always say to myself, rezeki ada di mana2.. Actually my job now is not that bad, my boss is ok with me.. she's very understanding.. infact she did partime job for herself ;-) our time is flexible, my collegues are very nice.. my work load is not so meranapkan kepala.. even sumtimes i have to face a 'kecut perut' when things are not right.. the salary ..i can say.. alhamdulillah.. eventhough i think out there for a position like me.. they can earn more.. but for me.. alhamdulillah rezeki saya..

I dont have enough confidence because of EPF, SOCSO and all the benefits this company offers me.. When i do photography, can i survive..??

What are the things that make me feel so depressed just thinking about this? My FAMILY.. I realized i spend less time with Irfan and my Husband.. That what i missed so much.. I'm not complaining about my life.. but i just want to share it with u out there and need opinion from u guys on what shud i do.. sumtimes i feel i cant handle it anymore.. I love to do everything for my family by myself.. Bila balik dari kerja.. i have to settle down everythings.. like cooking, menyapu and berkemas.. and when malamnya i have to switch on my laptop to finish my EOG's assignment.. At the 1st few months, i still feel ok and cope with it.. But, now i feel like i lost something that is more valuable.. My TIME with family.. it make me feel so sad just to think about it..

I like what i did.. but i'm not so happy.. I'm very thankful for the rezeki yang mencurah2 Allah bagi.. but I have to sacrifice.. I cant earn both.. so now i feel depress.. sad.. murung, moody rasa nak nangis.. I am a FAMILY type of woman.. byk kuiz2 kat internet tu saya buat.. jawapannya sama.. my priority is FAMILY.. so.. when things like this happen to me.. it really effect my jiwa and my life.. i missed the time to play with my son.. and i missed to berbaring baringan with hubby watching tv or dvd.. or just sit and relax next to him dan berborak2 kosong.. all of that i have to sacrifice.. I think.. when i do fulltime.. saya boleh dapatkan kembali waktu itu.. I dont want it to be too late..

I have discussed with my Husband about this.. Like always, he always support me no matter what my decision is.. dia juga ada memberikan pendapat2nya.. BUT now.. I am the only one who has to decide.. am i'm complaining about my life? no.. definitely no.. cuma sekarang saya betul2 berada dalam dilema.. Can i survive after this? I still couldnt get the answer..

Thanks for reading.. At least saya rasa lega..

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